In this first “how-to” sampler, we explore internal organization with a specific focus on organizing ourselves around ourselves. At the risk of sounding too scientific, there is a principle practice that I am founding this perspective on, and it’s called the 21-day rule. It is based on scientific evidence that a new habit can be formed when done continuously (and correctly) over the course of 21 days. It’s based on the theory that it takes our brains roughly 21 days worth of continuous habit for a new tract to be formed in the brain. An example might be that it would take a person roughly 21 days to learn how to ride a bike or drive a car – noting that it’s not about how long it takes for a person to learn something, but how long it generally takes for the average person to commit an act to habit and thusly be able to do it without thinking about it.
This methodology has been adopted by many groups and institutions and has become a training method with people working in physical therapy, in recovery programs, sports regiments, weight loss programs, and more. So it is something that I am borrowing and using in my work with organizational therapy, which constitutes paving ways for new habits or reworking old habits and putting new ones in their place.
So following the previous blog of “Choosing You” which expressed the importance of exploring ways of putting yourself first and taking some well-deserved self love back for ourselves, the question of “how” pops up. How do we do something that is, in some ways, hard enough to admit to doing (our society seems to make it hard to advertise self-love) and how can we slip that into our day to day without tampering with our sense of connectedness to others? Well, I’ll definitely say it’s not necessarily easy – but I believe it to be very important work, so let’s dive in and explore some options.
This methodology has been adopted by many groups and institutions and has become a training method with people working in physical therapy, in recovery programs, sports regiments, weight loss programs, and more. So it is something that I am borrowing and using in my work with organizational therapy, which constitutes paving ways for new habits or reworking old habits and putting new ones in their place.
So following the previous blog of “Choosing You” which expressed the importance of exploring ways of putting yourself first and taking some well-deserved self love back for ourselves, the question of “how” pops up. How do we do something that is, in some ways, hard enough to admit to doing (our society seems to make it hard to advertise self-love) and how can we slip that into our day to day without tampering with our sense of connectedness to others? Well, I’ll definitely say it’s not necessarily easy – but I believe it to be very important work, so let’s dive in and explore some options.
Here are two words that greatly express what I’m asking us to do that will help us navigate towards it – these words are “self care” – Familiar with them? Self care is something that certain people have mastered and certain people have hardly even heard of. Depending on what you do with your life, there is a strong push or pull towards or away from this idea, but let me tell you, it’s one of the most important things we may ever come across. Where the terms self care best fits is as the foundation of the principle statement, “you can’t love someone else until you first love yourself.” Are we familiar with that? Some of you might be a little skeptical as to the validity of that statement, but let’s dissect it for a second.
The idea, as far as I’m concerned, with whether or not we can love someone else if we don’t first love ourselves really takes root when we think – what can we give of ourselves when we aren’t confident that we have anything to give? I know from my own personal experiences with depression and the like that I have had times of feeling that my best just wasn’t good enough to give. I had a hard enough time showing up period, let alone offering of myself to others. That being said, it’s not a perfect science and there have been times that I have been able to give to others when I was down and out and that helped pull me out of my own mess. So, I’m not sure it’s that cut and dry, yet still, that statement holds sway. It’s an important thing to look at – how much can you really benefit someone else when you aren’t at your best.
I want to clarify that it doesn’t have to seem so extreme – the idea of not being at your best. I mean, how many times have we been asked to do something in the context of work or school and we aren’t feeling very well, we’re sick or something, and we know that we aren’t going to be able to give 100%, yet we do it anyway, and there we are, not being our best, and not being able to offer our best. That right there is maybe the easiest way to consider the phrase. Yes, that right there is where self care comes in.
The idea, as far as I’m concerned, with whether or not we can love someone else if we don’t first love ourselves really takes root when we think – what can we give of ourselves when we aren’t confident that we have anything to give? I know from my own personal experiences with depression and the like that I have had times of feeling that my best just wasn’t good enough to give. I had a hard enough time showing up period, let alone offering of myself to others. That being said, it’s not a perfect science and there have been times that I have been able to give to others when I was down and out and that helped pull me out of my own mess. So, I’m not sure it’s that cut and dry, yet still, that statement holds sway. It’s an important thing to look at – how much can you really benefit someone else when you aren’t at your best.
I want to clarify that it doesn’t have to seem so extreme – the idea of not being at your best. I mean, how many times have we been asked to do something in the context of work or school and we aren’t feeling very well, we’re sick or something, and we know that we aren’t going to be able to give 100%, yet we do it anyway, and there we are, not being our best, and not being able to offer our best. That right there is maybe the easiest way to consider the phrase. Yes, that right there is where self care comes in.
Self care is saying to yourself (and to others) that “I want to stand in integrity and be authentic: I am not feeling my best, I can’t give you my best, but you deserve my best, so I’m going to pull back and work on myself until I am at my best.” That’s self care, and though we live in a fast paced society that wants stuff right here, right now, that is what we all really want deep and down – our best.
Okay, so I’ve given reasons why we should work towards self care, so now let’s look at the 21 day rule and see how we can begin setting habits towards this goal.
Okay, so I’ve given reasons why we should work towards self care, so now let’s look at the 21 day rule and see how we can begin setting habits towards this goal.
The primary habits we want to enforce are our language (internal/external), our thinking, and our actions. So this is the foundation we want to set: we want to speak constructively, think constructively, and act constructively. So how do we do that, you ask? We begin by offering basic practices that we can train on. So let’s break it down.
Language-
What makes language so powerful is because it is what we hear and what we repeat. So it’s one of the primary essences of our learning structure. So how do we train our language? The easiest practice is to monitor what we say and in particular about ourselves. Begin by making a practice of saying what you need. Say it out loud and to the world. When you are hurting, speak to that truth, name it, and identify what you need to heal it. When you are lacking, speak to that truth, name it, and identify what you need to fill it. When you are upset, speak to that truth, name it, and identify what you need to quell it. In doing this practice, it becomes about you and what you need, it puts you at the forefront of your own betterment and allows you to, even for a moment, realize that you are important enough to be heard.
Thought-
What makes thought so powerful is that it is the backbone of our language and action. It is a constant stream of narrative that outlines everything we do and that happens to us. It becomes the ingredients that formulate most of what we do and how we believe the world works. So yeah, our thoughts are important to maintain and organize. Practices for organizing our thoughts are often about catching yourself in habitual thought. Habitual thought, more than conscious thought is where we get much of our belief forming thinking. Habitual thoughts like “I’m not good enough”, “I can’t do that”, “I can’t live up to that expectation”, or “I’ve got this problem and it is a limitation for me” are thoughts that break us down in the background before we even get out of the door. Those are the kinds of thoughts that need to be caught in the moment and redirected.
The best ways to redirect habitual thoughts are to catch them, vocally offer an alternative to yourself (there’s that language again), and then repeat the statement with the new affirmation. It may sound silly, but to say something out loud tricks our brain into realizing the reality of it. It becomes real. So here’s an example: if the habitual thought is “I’m not good enough”, catch it mid sentence (I’m not goo-) and out loud redirect the thought to something like “I’m struggling with this, but I can learn” (it may sound cheesy, but it really helps), and then repeat it, maybe seven times to yourself (out loud or in thought). An there you have it, a redirected habitual thought.
Actions-
And finally we look at actions. What makes our actions so powerful is that they become the exclamation point on our habitual nature. It’s one thing to think something or even to say something, but when that transcends into action, you know that it is real. Habitual actions can be as minor as a fidget or as big as the tendency to punch things when highly angered. It represents actions that follow thought with regular continuance. If actions represent the exclamation point, that means they cement our thoughts into something deeper, and if those are destructive thoughts being cemented, then we have a problem. So how do we change action?
Similar to either language or thought, it’s about catching “bad” habituations and redirecting them. But because we’re talking about self care, we want to focus on establishing positive (constructive) habits that reinforce putting your own wellbeing in the spotlight. Action wise, one of the biggest places we fail to adopt habitual actions of self care are in terms of relaxation and health maintenance. So we’re talking learning how to take time to breathe, to calm yourself, to exercise, to find actions that induce self care. When it comes to actions that are destructive, we don’t want to attack them, we want to introduce positive ones in their stead.
So that’s the practice: readjusting our thinking, our language, and our actions for the betterment of ourselves and with a focus on self care. Tying this back in with the 21 days rule, if you give yourself a manageable target to hit, it becomes more viable. Consider setting a goal to choose something simple but beneficial to add to your daily being, give it your attention throughout 21 days, maybe even write about it at the end of the night (keeping a journal is a huge way to stay on point) and then reap the results!
Let me iterate that this isn’t one of those simple self-help daily goals that you can rip off a calendar; this is encouragement to follow through with something that any coach would recommend, and it’s something you can simply add to your schedule. All it takes is choosing yourself, making your betterment your primary focus, and firmly believing that you are worth it. Developing that will power will never let you down.
Language-
What makes language so powerful is because it is what we hear and what we repeat. So it’s one of the primary essences of our learning structure. So how do we train our language? The easiest practice is to monitor what we say and in particular about ourselves. Begin by making a practice of saying what you need. Say it out loud and to the world. When you are hurting, speak to that truth, name it, and identify what you need to heal it. When you are lacking, speak to that truth, name it, and identify what you need to fill it. When you are upset, speak to that truth, name it, and identify what you need to quell it. In doing this practice, it becomes about you and what you need, it puts you at the forefront of your own betterment and allows you to, even for a moment, realize that you are important enough to be heard.
Thought-
What makes thought so powerful is that it is the backbone of our language and action. It is a constant stream of narrative that outlines everything we do and that happens to us. It becomes the ingredients that formulate most of what we do and how we believe the world works. So yeah, our thoughts are important to maintain and organize. Practices for organizing our thoughts are often about catching yourself in habitual thought. Habitual thought, more than conscious thought is where we get much of our belief forming thinking. Habitual thoughts like “I’m not good enough”, “I can’t do that”, “I can’t live up to that expectation”, or “I’ve got this problem and it is a limitation for me” are thoughts that break us down in the background before we even get out of the door. Those are the kinds of thoughts that need to be caught in the moment and redirected.
The best ways to redirect habitual thoughts are to catch them, vocally offer an alternative to yourself (there’s that language again), and then repeat the statement with the new affirmation. It may sound silly, but to say something out loud tricks our brain into realizing the reality of it. It becomes real. So here’s an example: if the habitual thought is “I’m not good enough”, catch it mid sentence (I’m not goo-) and out loud redirect the thought to something like “I’m struggling with this, but I can learn” (it may sound cheesy, but it really helps), and then repeat it, maybe seven times to yourself (out loud or in thought). An there you have it, a redirected habitual thought.
Actions-
And finally we look at actions. What makes our actions so powerful is that they become the exclamation point on our habitual nature. It’s one thing to think something or even to say something, but when that transcends into action, you know that it is real. Habitual actions can be as minor as a fidget or as big as the tendency to punch things when highly angered. It represents actions that follow thought with regular continuance. If actions represent the exclamation point, that means they cement our thoughts into something deeper, and if those are destructive thoughts being cemented, then we have a problem. So how do we change action?
Similar to either language or thought, it’s about catching “bad” habituations and redirecting them. But because we’re talking about self care, we want to focus on establishing positive (constructive) habits that reinforce putting your own wellbeing in the spotlight. Action wise, one of the biggest places we fail to adopt habitual actions of self care are in terms of relaxation and health maintenance. So we’re talking learning how to take time to breathe, to calm yourself, to exercise, to find actions that induce self care. When it comes to actions that are destructive, we don’t want to attack them, we want to introduce positive ones in their stead.
So that’s the practice: readjusting our thinking, our language, and our actions for the betterment of ourselves and with a focus on self care. Tying this back in with the 21 days rule, if you give yourself a manageable target to hit, it becomes more viable. Consider setting a goal to choose something simple but beneficial to add to your daily being, give it your attention throughout 21 days, maybe even write about it at the end of the night (keeping a journal is a huge way to stay on point) and then reap the results!
Let me iterate that this isn’t one of those simple self-help daily goals that you can rip off a calendar; this is encouragement to follow through with something that any coach would recommend, and it’s something you can simply add to your schedule. All it takes is choosing yourself, making your betterment your primary focus, and firmly believing that you are worth it. Developing that will power will never let you down.